I have been having a hard time personally lately. Before I even go into this, I want to say that I know I am lucky; I know for certain that I don't deserve the things I have and the people in my life.
I haven't been able to get to a place where I feel comfortable with myself and my life. Tuscaloosa is a great city, but it is more and more evident to me every day that Tuscaloosa is not for me. This is not my home, whatever that means. I don't know where I would want to be if I left here, though...definitely not back to Arab. Maybe I should be a professional nomad.
I have witnessed my close friendships fade in a major way over the last year of my life, and I'm getting more timid and less able to make new friendships as I get older. When did I become a wallflower? Why do I still feel like a paranoid teenager in a crowd?
I am thrilled with the job I have, but last year I felt as though I was trying desperately to hold my head above water, wishing all the while I were a student again. If I even made any differences in lives, it was through social work opportunities, definitely not because of stellar teaching. In my marriage, something I hold most dearly, I can't ignore my glaring inadequacies at every turn.
What is my problem? Will I ever feel "normal?" Who knows. I fully realize I'm being a whiny baby. Regardless, I wanted to get it out in some way or another.
I haven't been able to get to a place where I feel comfortable with myself and my life. Tuscaloosa is a great city, but it is more and more evident to me every day that Tuscaloosa is not for me. This is not my home, whatever that means. I don't know where I would want to be if I left here, though...definitely not back to Arab. Maybe I should be a professional nomad.
I have witnessed my close friendships fade in a major way over the last year of my life, and I'm getting more timid and less able to make new friendships as I get older. When did I become a wallflower? Why do I still feel like a paranoid teenager in a crowd?
I am thrilled with the job I have, but last year I felt as though I was trying desperately to hold my head above water, wishing all the while I were a student again. If I even made any differences in lives, it was through social work opportunities, definitely not because of stellar teaching. In my marriage, something I hold most dearly, I can't ignore my glaring inadequacies at every turn.
What is my problem? Will I ever feel "normal?" Who knows. I fully realize I'm being a whiny baby. Regardless, I wanted to get it out in some way or another.
4 comments:
Kristen said...
hang in there and move to hville! :)
Anonymous said...
I know exactly how you feel! Not about husbands, of course, but the rest of it. I think being a professional nomad would be just the ticket! (I always think of Patrick Dempsey in Sweet Home Alabama when I hear or use that phrase.)All we need is a new scene.
Lindsey said...
I think this is just part of the early twenties funk. I literally probably cry or get a lump in my throat every other day, and I constantly question the decisions I have made that have led me to the place I am now physically and just as a person in general. And the struggle is trying to balance the feelings of discontent with an understanding of just how fortunate we really are. My hope is that we just grow out of it or something.
hales said...
...you don't. but, hang in there anyway :) love you!