Rookie Reflections

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about love. I guess it has been in the back of my mind anyway, and then I read the latest post on a blog I regularly follow. The author Jodi always has things to say that make me think, but I was very interested in what she had to say in this post...

“I find it hard to love Chip when the kids have drained my energy for the day and he walks into the house after work and finds me tired and short-tempered. I find that more often than not, love is not an easy thing for me to do- unless I am consciously making the effort to show love. I am realizing more and more that most of the things I do- my "acts of love" for my family- are so routine that they end up being overlooked. I am sure if I quit doing laundry for a few days, the piles of dirty clothes would start to make a statement. But in doing daily loads of laundry, it just becomes a "chore" and nobody 'sees' it as love. It's expected and it just gets done.”

There seems to be such a disparity between loving someone and showing that you love. Is this a disconnect for every single person? And if everyone is different in the transition from loving to showing it, how do you possibly get on the same page?

Also, I watched the movie Vicki Cristina Barcelona last night. In the movie, the characters are all trying desperately to find a kind of love that suits them. Some of them have a plan, some are open to anything, some attempt to change their very identities in the efforts to find this elusive, loving happiness. The saddest/most interesting part to me is that even though the characters find themselves in changing, chaotic situations, they all end up the same in the end with the same ideas about love as they did in the beginning. Can you change the way you love/the kind of love you are looking for?

I have always found it easy (probably too easy) to care about people. I often am too attached to situations/relationships, and I chronically over-do it. I over-do it to the point that, like Jodi, sometimes I think my efforts at love are overlooked and feel routine. Even though I am sure that can be annoying to the people who are close to me, it is not the main problem to me. The most destructive loving habit that I have is expecting people around me to love me in the way I love them. Maybe it sounds selfish/needy, but I need to be reassured (very) often that love is still there, that I am a priority, and that I am appreciated.

Because I expect too much, I usually miss the subtleties and small ways that people show me they care. It can make me feel very alienated when I do not get what I think I need love-wise. I end up feeling unloved. The most depressing part is that I know in large part I am doing it to myself. I am hoping that as I get older I will begin to be more open-minded to love of all kinds.